Behind all the issues that separate an ordinary relationship from a great one, is one common factor. Behind all the truly helpful advice on improving your life together, there lies one key to a great relationship.
Many different kinds of problems can cause a relationship to fall apart. Physical or emotional abuse, addictions, cheating, jealousy, and neediness are just a few of the issues that can destroy a relationship. But once the many potentially disastrous problems have been avoided, what have you got? Perhaps a relationship that qualifies only as "pretty good." But what creates a really great relationship?
At the beginning, we are in relationship because we are attracted to the other person - we think they are sexy, smart, funny, whatever it is that we find appealing. But very quickly, the focus of the relationship turns to whether we feel appreciated. If we don't feel appreciated, we don't feel loved.
It is common for those entering into a relationship to hold an idealized image of how a perfect partner is supposed to act. Perhaps a man is supposed to open car doors. Perhaps a woman is supposed to wear a certain kind of underwear. The internal dialog goes something like this, "Jim (or Sally) is a wonderful person and loves me. After we're together, he will change because he loves me so much. He will stop wanting to hang out with his friends, watch football games, whatever." How can anyone feel appreciated when their loved one is wishing or hoping for them to change.
The greatest roadblock to a great relationship is trying to force a partner to change through bribes or threats. This classic human tendency is lampooned in the long-running off-Broadway musical comedy "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." It's funny to watch other people go through the cycle of searching for the perfect mate, believing they have found that person, and than gradually attempting to remold the supposedly perfect partner. Unfortunately, in real life, this pattern is a cause of immense suffering.
I Love You Just the Way You AreThe number one secret of a great relationship is accepting our partner EXACTLY as they are. We cause ourselves untold misery whenever we believe our loved ones to be imperfect and try to change them.
To create a great relationship, say and mean, "I love you just the way you are." No pretense. No hoping for change. No thought that it used to be better, or might get better. Follow through by living into that sentiment every day.
Falling into the trap of thinking, "I wish you were different" or "Please change." is no way to show your love. Happiness lies in this number one rule of great relationships: Love and accept your partner exactly the way they are.
18 comments:
thats a good posting and the truth!!
also i may add we need to accept the person for who they are, if you meet a guy that smokes and drink you can not change that person, either you deal with it or leave, they are not going to stop for you or for nobody else, they have to want to stop, that's my opinion.
There are destructive behaviors that you can request your partner to change. For example if they are addicted to heroin and you ask them to stop because you love them and your request is simply as a favor for them to show their love for you and then they do stop the behavior then they have changed. You wanted them to change for you and they did it. Not all requests to have some one change is a cause of immense suffering. In this example it can be a great benefit to the relationship.
I find it ironic that afterthis daily inspiration there is still someone that posts with words such as "show their love for you", "change for you". Obviously destructive behavior such as drug or alcohol abuse should be stopped however it should be stopped for their own benefit and health, not for someone else because 'they should love you enough to stop'. People should be more conscious of how they phrase things and where their intentions are truly coming from. Also, in the end, if someone doesn't chose to change for themselves the changes that they may make will not be long term. No matter how destructive the behavior people need to change for themselves and nothing should ever be a question of whether or not someone 'loves you enough'.
I am a firm believer that God has chosen our mate long ago.We go through life and all the trials and joys along the way happen for a reason.Our mate does the same...for a reason.when God sees fit he facilitates the union he had planned for you and lo and behold....your mates strengths are your weaknesses and vice versa....all due to paths chosen and Gods gentle guidance. So who am I to want to "change" a carefully constructed person that God created for me.I accept with 100% gratitude because thats the way God intended that person to be:)
Thats just my opinion,nobody needs to agree but please respect it:)
Margaret, I do think the same way. I think that God wants me to help my husband with the things is week on it and wants him to help me with the things I am week on. I also see parents as guidance to their children. Parents just came b4 their children and take care of them while they are little. It is a big responsiblity for parents. I also think that while you are accepting you partner the way he or she is you are working for your salvation. You will be rewarded by the Lord. just my thoughts.
Ana
A person never changes unless he/she wishes to. Never try to change someone just because it fits your needs or wants. Accept him/her or let it be.
yes,and we really can't forced anyone to let him/her change. we just have to accept him/her as what he/she is. Respect your differences.
Steven Robert Witt
Yes.. we really can't forced anyone to let him or her to change. we just have to accept them as what he or she is. Respect your differences (I Love You Just the Way You Are Stevei W )
Yes we must love our mate as they are,but at the same time If God choose our mate,The road block want be as hard,but sometimes we choose our mate,and it is our responsability to tell what the word of God say,and then let God do the work on them.If God choose your mate and the mate is not right,pray and God will do His will.It is God's will and God's way not your will.
I want to love my husband, family, friends, and accept them just the way they are BUT isn't it okay to say "I care about you and I want you to be healthy and live longer" - not as constant nagging, but occasionally mentioning? Plus leave the room / the house if they smoke, to protect myself...
I don't want to be an enabler of unhealthy behavior by those I love - and all my communities and the rest of the world. That's much easier to write here than to do it every day!!!!
I believe it is human nature to want "perfection". We all have our idea of a perfect mate. We dont necessarily choose who we fall in love with like we would choose a new pair of shoes. I think that it is one of the hardest things to do...accept. Accept people the way they are, and accept the path that you are on. God works out all the details, and trying to change anyone whether it be a friend, spouse, sibling, co-worker...it is not our job to do this. This life is filled with chaos from everyone trying to impose their views on others and forgetting that we all have the freedom to be who we are. I lost my marriage due to drugs and alcohol abuse, and all the love in the world wasnt going to change him. As much as I loved him, he had to change for himself. I tried to change his bad behavior for years, unsuccesfully. Its been 6 years and he still doesnt love himself enough, how would he ever have been able to change for me or anyone else. He couldnt. The world would be filled with peace if we all learned to accept one another and love unconditionally. God Bless.
Anonymous- I want to love... It is neither okay nor not okay to speak to others about their behaviors. Try it and REALLY observe their reaction. If they say, "Thank you for reminding me," you are helping them. If you get a cold stare and a grumble, you can be sure that your well intentioned comments have been received as nagging, and that continuing to bring up the subject will harm your relationship.
Most everything that is important is VERY hard to do and to keep doing every day. If it were easy, we wouldn't need to consciously remind ourselves daily to do the hard things.
wow this really hit me. been married for 1.8 yrs and most of my mis understanding with my husband is me wanting him to change his personalilty because in my mind that will be more beneficial for him especially in his carreer. but he did'nt see it that way. from now on I will love and accept him just the way he is.
I think we spend too much time trying to fix what we can't fix. We forget that life is too short. The best thing is to make the best out of the little time we've got and celebrate love and togetherness. What we can correct we should correct, what we can accept we should accept, and the ones we can not absolutely live with we should move on or avoid. Do not let anyone have the pleasure of taking your joy away from you, life is way to short.
I am writing this from my life experience I spent a lot time trying to 'fix' siblings, relationships and family. Sometimes the harder you try, the more frustrating it is. Now that I have decided to accept people the way they are (still working on it because it is not easy), my life is better. It is difficult to see your siblings going about things the wrong way, but sometimes, you have to leave them to learn their own lessons.
It's impossible to change someone else.
I've been married 54 years. Why?...because my husband and I balance each other out. We're complete oposites. He's loud,demanding,sloppy, and well educated. I'm quiet,submisive,neat and not so educated. You can say we comlement each other. We know it's definitely because of our inherited genes. Seesee
And if he really loves and cherishes you, he would change to please you. Thanks for my husband who pleases me always.
I like the passage/article. somehow, it brought me to a wider understanding of partnership & marriage. Changing the partner for me, is such a hard task & is impossible. But if we know how to pray, God is able. He will show mighty things that even you can't imagine. Let's just learn to fully depend on Him, and all will be well.
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